I feel so broken. I am broken as a human and as a sinner. I know that the way to being restored is in coming to God. He is the true Healer and Redeemer. But it’s not all that easy in the waiting. My last blog post was about storms, and how I know that the faithful God-given rainbow will appear in the aftermath, but it’s the waiting and the trying to see the grace in the midst of the pain.
Grace is free, and though I’m not worthy I am gifted with it. I’m broken and I fail Him every day, but I still have this beautiful, remarkable opportunity to receive love and acceptance from my Father and King. And then beautiful things will be reaped from my change of heart that will inevitably come.
Why is there little comfort in acknowledging my brokenness? For me, personally, I grew up in a household where, even as children, we were not allowed to make mistakes. There was no crying over spilled milk, there was yelling. My father was unable to let go of demanding perfection. He suffered from workaholism, and his own issues with his dad, but it was truly a challenge to always feel inadequate. That feeling has inevitably followed me into adulthood and has affected me personally and in relationship with others. I see myself with high expectations for others, and try to channel a less-demanding self. I do this by acknowledging AND accepting my failures as an intricately woven tapestry of me.
Another way of visualizing it comes from the movie, The Shack. There, Sarayu, the Holy Spirit, brings Mac to a garden and asks for his help tidying up to make space for something new. He didn’t realize it at first, but then she explained that the beautiful, messy, unorganized, but colorful garden was him. I’m not always proud of the way my garden results, but life experiences have made it what it is, and who I am. And I accept it.
For the notion of how grace works with broken people and broken things, Matthew West sums it up best in his song, Broken Things:
If grace was a kingdom, I’ve stopped at the gate.
Thinking I don’t deserve to path through after all the mistakes that I made.
Oh but I heard a whisper, as heaven bent down.
Said, child don’t you know that the first will be last and the last get a crown.
Now I’m just a beggar in the presence of a King
I wish I could bring so much more
But if it’s true, you use broken things.
Then here I am Lord, I’m all yours!
The pages of history, they tell me it’s true.
That it’s never the perfect, it’s always the ones with the scars that you use.
It’s the rebels and the prodigals! It’s the humble and the weak!
All the misfit heroes you chose tell me there’s hope for someone like me!!
Now I’m just a beggar in the presence of a King
I wish I could bring so much more
But if it’s true, you use broken things.
Then here I am Lord, I’m all yours!
Grace is a kingdom, with gates open wide.
There’s a seat at the table just waiting for you.
So, come on inside.
Prayer: Dear Father and King, may we embrace our brokenness, remembering that it is in Your image that we are made. May we allow ourselves to be human, and strive to be Your disciples in all that we do. For we know that the closer we draw to You, the more like You we become, and the less broken we feel. May acknowledging our own weaknesses and faults allow us to forgive and accept the shortcomings of others. As we strive to confront our humanness, Lord, give us grace, mercy and peace, as we tend to be our own worst critics. We know that You love us and that there’s nothing we can do to make You love us more, and there’s nothing we can do to make You love us less. Thank you for loving us and for letting us come as we are to Your altar.
30-Something Sinner 