Six long years have passed since my husband and I started trying for a baby. While those years have been filled with sadness, sorrow, mourning, anger and disappointment, there has also been healing, love, purpose, growth and blessings.
Almost every day for the past six years, 2,190 days, I have prayed for a baby. I have prayed some form of prayer to God each day. Often it was, “Please Father, make a way where there is no way. Cause a miracle to happen. I know you have the power to make me fruitful”. And I was taking action in the background, as well, uncovering every possible stone that the Lord may be providing as an opportunity. The majority of the time I was focused on our plan (mine and my husband’s). Then, as God worked in my heart and through my circumstances for His will (as He always does), my prayer transformed. It veered away from my will and focused more on His.
At first it was artificial. I was just saying it because, scripturally, I knew I should. I knew on paper that I was supposed to profess, “thy will be done”. But I didn’t really feel it in my heart. I didn’t trust a divine plan that would bring me more happiness than the ones I have dreamed all along.
And why would I trust my Heavenly Father? My earthly Father had let me down so many times and made me feel like I was never enough. However, this faith walk with the Lord was growing me in a way I had never experienced before. Each Sunday sermon or interaction in worship and the Word, God would reveal Himself more and more. I started to feel a peace and ease with the decision to let go and let God. I remember once when I was in church, the pastor gave a sermon about laying our burdens down at the feet of the Lord, and the imagery was so strong about me literally laying a baby down at His feet. So sad in that I was laying my first baby’s life down and letting go of that sadness, while also so peaceful of a reminder that He’s got it. He is in control.
I’m not saying I’ve perfected it. When I see someone pregnant or hear that a friend is, it still cuts deep, but then I come back to being grounded much more quickly than I used to. I continue to pray the prayer, “thy will be done”. And I listen to songs like “It is Well” by Bethel Music and Kristene Dimarco and “Thy Will Be Done” by Hillary Scott or “Even If” by MercyMe. Those moments remind me about my God and I feel in my heart of hearts that no matter what plans I desire, they pale in comparison to what God has in store for me, if I would just listen, obey and wait.
So I wait.
A few months ago I was reading the Bible and God came to me and showed me that I will be pregnant. He kept revealing himself in Sarah and Hannah and Elizabeth. I knew He was talking to me about my prophesy. But then I was also sensing that we were to adopt. But how are both possible?
Embryo adoption is an answer.
When Michael and I lived in Texas in 2017 -18, we first learned of embryo adoption. We went to a fertility clinic and took just the initial step of a consultation. The cost of EA is significantly less expensive than egg donation, but it was still more money than we had and that we could afford. Plus, my salary got cut in half down in Texas, so the timing just wasn’t right.
Fast forward two years later, and Michael and I are still trying to figure out, truly, what the Lord wants. It wasn’t clear to us, still, since nothing had come to fruition. But I knew we were getting close. We sold our home and made a good profit on it, so now money wasn’t an issue. I was teeter-tottering back and forth between embryo adoption and egg donation because I didn’t want to rob Michael of his chance to bear a biological child. I begged the Lord for answers, and wondered if He was saying to me, “You know what to do, just do it”. So I said to God, we are moving forward with egg donation by January 1, 2020 if we don’t hear from you.
And then I did. It wasn’t overt, but I knew He wasn’t approving of our plan.
So I went back to the table of prayer again, desperately. I remember sitting in bed one night feeling like I WAS understanding that it was supposed to be both, adoption and pregnancy. So we are revisiting EA again.
Why would the Lord make us wait so long? I’m 38 years old. And now COVID-19 has hit our country, and has hit it hard. There will be no frozen embryo transfers at this time. So we wait some more. There are some administrative parts we can move forward with, but there’s more uncertainty and unknowing there, as well.
Knowing my God is so good, I think of all of the ways the delay has been a blessing. Maybe I would have had a transfer canceled. Maybe we’re waiting for the perfect match who has yet to be revealed. Maybe Mike’s illness (possibly the Coronavirus) upon returning from England in February would have made me and the baby sick.
Either way, I have to continue to trust. He has never let me down, He has never left me. Even if I don’t see it, I know he’s working. Even on the days I don’t feel it, I know he’s working. Thank you God for sending me the Spirit of faith to keep me hopeful. Please keep that fire alive in my heart.
You’re never gonna let, you’re never gonna let me down. Cuz you are good. You’re good. Ohhhh.
Father God, you are so good. Even on my worst days, you are the best Father. God it is only because of my sin and selfishness that I do not praise, honor and glorify you every day. You are so worth and so deserving. Be with me and Michael during this process. God, may your hand be over the embryo adoption in every way – from the organization we use, the match that is made, the families we interact with, the finances, the frozen embryo transfer and finally through to a healthy live birth. Father, You make my heart sing. I am confident that my baby will read this blog someday and feel what I feel today — gratefulness for all that You have done. In the waiting Lord, please grow me to be more like You. Help me to love my husband better. And my family and my neighbors. God, strip away the evil, cold and hurtful things I do and help me to bask in your forgiveness, grace and mercy so that I may do all that to others in return. Thank you, for yesterday, today and what is yet to come. And lift me up in your strong tower so that I might be able to be a beacon of hope to others as I profess the hope I have in You. In Jesus’ beautiful name I pray. Amen.